Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in spicketrot's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 27th, 2009
7:32 am	How much can a person take before they should just give up? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
8:29 am	I don't feel like me... How do I fix it? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
11:07 pm	I hate being fickle and indecisive. I wish I could just make up my mind. The thing is, when I do, I'm sure it'll be gone. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 25th, 2008
6:45 pm	I'm back I'm back in St. Paul. I never thought I would be so sad to be home. I've cried about five times in the past 24 hours. It's so strange. I spent four and a half years excited to be done with college and move home, but now... I don't know... I feel lost. I don't know what I'm going to do or where I want to be, and I'm too afraid to commit to anything. My stomach is in knots and I've been extremely ill. I don't get it. I almost killed my mom and I on the way back. It was amazing. Let's just say I can move my vehicle pretty damn well. I slid across two lanes of traffic (in front of a semi) and spun out. We were hanging on the edge of a really deep ditch (worse than the one Nate and I almost ran into... it was about 75 feet deep and packed with snow and ice). It was like a freakin movie. I put it in park, but every time I took my foot off the break, we would slide. Pretty darn scary. That's about it for now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
2:09 pm	Preparing to say goodbye... I don't think I can leave. Albuquerque has been some of the best and worst times in my life. When I go home now, everything is different. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy spending time with my family and friends, and Minnesota will always be home to me. But I haven't lived there in almost five years. I've stayed for months at a time, but even though I worked during breaks, those times have felt like vacations. This time I am coming home to stay. It is a scary concept, and I don't know if I'm quite ready to leave behind the life I've made for myself here. I love it here. I always say I hate it, but that's a lie. I love it and I would give anything to have my four and a half years back. Through all the heartache, hard times, and bs that I went through during that time, I learned a lot about myself. I am grateful and thankful for the experience I have gotten during this time, and I am very happy to have met some amazing people during my stay here. Current Mood: melancholy (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
11:46 am	My grandma died. Her funeral is next Wednesday. I hate that people keep feeling the need to just die. And I'm lucky my father is amazing and bought me a plane ticket home. Current Mood: upset Current Music: Bicycle Race - Queen (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 5th, 2008
11:26 am	I am not drinking anymore. I will go out and have a few drinks with my girls or my significant other, but I'm done with the whole party scene. Cuz lets face it, you can't trust people when you're drunk. Also, I hate the person I become. I'm better than that. Sorry Amanda - don't be too disappointed! I'll still party like a rockstar with you in other ways ;-) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 2nd, 2008
11:10 am	I don't know what to make of it... Last night while I was waiting for a call from a certain someone telling me he was on his way to pick up his birthday present, I get a call from my BFF. "Amber, WTF, Jake's Facebook profile is back." Jake had deleted his Facebook a month before he died. Of course, I had to check this out. I signed in and there it was - Jake Fairbanks. Comments, compare people application, top friends (yours truly as number two, I notice, which causes a little sting and pang of regret that I was not as great of a friend as I should have been). I log in to Yahoo to talk to her about this. She thinks it may be his wife. I don't agree, because it wasn't a new Facebook It was one that had been reactivated. I start freaking out because it feels like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. I look at my comments, and they're all there from Jake. There were only a couple, including this one: "yea i am a whore!! damn proud whores unite!! lol jk i leave it on sometimes also i am doing school online at central texas college talking to all of you makes me soooo excited to come home i thought every one forgot about me lol after all this shit i am going though it feel so good that i have yall love ya tonz jake" I copy and paste it to the BFF. Via Yahoo, we talk about what kind of comments to leave his profile. I finally decide to leave this one: "I don't know why your profile has been reactivated, but I still miss you. I wish I could see you again." I look at my stalker mini-feed and it says "Amber has written on Jake Fairbanks' wall." I do another search, and his profile is there. I look at a few other pages, then search for it again. It's gone. Everything. Including the comments that he had left me. I start crying and explain what is going on to my mom, who starts crying as well. The BFF and I both freak out on Yahoo again. I think it's a computer glitch, but she and my mother both think otherwise. I still feel strange and sad about the entire situation. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
9:20 am	I'm back... I'm back in Minnesota, but I won't be driving for a while. On our little road trip at about 1:30 in the morning, I hit a deer 38 miles away from home. I was going 75. It died. Thank God my SUV was weighted down and I regained control relatively quickly to pull us back on the freeway, because honestly, we could have died too. Seriously. All I thought over and over was "I don't want to die" and "Get back on the freeway." Someone was there with me. My left headlight completely smashed and so is half of my grille. It's all body damage though (thank goodness). I now know the meaning of "built Ford tough." Cliche, but it fits. Anywho, until I get my new headlight, I'm not really going anywhere. Oh!! I did surprisingly well this semester. My professors were extremely understanding and apparently to them, I did great considering everything that had happened. One actually said: "I know you've had a terrible semester, but you overcame it all and did amazingly. You exceeded my expectations." I'm pretty happy. I'm still waiting on one grade, but right now I have five A's and one A+. Whoo Whoo Cuz. The shockers were Sociology of Religion and Latin. In SoR, I ended up getting an A, but due to my low paper score and lack of participation, I was pretty sure it was going to be lower. In Latin, I ended with an A+ but I was pretty sure I had failed most of the quizzes and almost never turned in my homework on time. If I pull an A in my last class, my GPA will go up to a 3.98. That would be freakin amazing. The one C+ and two B+'s I got in college screwed me terribly, and 100 credits later I'm finally up to almost a 4.0. Lame. Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
9:59 am	Two more days!!! That is all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
10:57 am	Today... For the past half an hour, my vision has been gone. I could barely see what was around me and on my computer. I tried to work, but it was very difficult. My world was black and shimmery. This happens quite a bit, and I have a feeling that it has something to do with my migraine problem. I'm pretty excited to have a migraine later on today. For some reason, I just felt like blogging that. Don't know why. Can't wait to be home in less than two weeks :-) Will anyone go visit Jake with me when I get back? Please? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2008
12:59 pm	Thinking I was just remembering several photos you and I took together at the senior all-night party. This was your description of them: "Oh, this girl's kind of cute." "Hmm...I really wanna have sex with her..." "Oh! We're about to have sex!" "We just got done having sex." Lol. It just came back to me randomly. :-) And I agree with leilawinters. I'm not sure if you're watching me in the shower (being that you were my brother, but you were also a horny mofo), but I'm pretty sure you're watching me in the bathroom cuz you'd find it funny. Please stop. It's hard to pee when you think someone is watching you. "School" messaged me on Myspace and said that he read your obituary. It said your death was suicide. I don't believe that. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDIT: This is what someone posted on an article about him. This poster goes by "Lefty Lacrosse." It's a new posting by him. I don't know how many of you have seen it. "You must let other people judge who is the idiot. This dead grunt did not serve his country in any way. He did not lose his life. He probably could not live with the shame he brought upon himself and took it. Either that or he was extremely clumsy. Whether his relatives are "suffering" has nothing to do with comments here. If they want to hear simpering eulogies, they should start a dedicated forum for that purpose. This worthless jerk was aiding an illegal occupation of a sovereign country (never causing the U.S. any threat whatsoever) for its oil. If his family had any sense of morality, they would have begged him not to go, saying that his place was home taking care of them, and being a proper husband and father." This is what my mom said back: "Boy, you must have had a horrible upbringing. I have read all your comments and have to say, you are one angry person. What happened to you? Abused? Molested? Beaten? I'm so sorry for the life you had and pray that someone can come into you life so you can have peace and contentment. God bless! " I love her. I wish I knew who this Lefty Lacrosse person was so I could smash in their kneecaps with a baseball bat. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 12th, 2008
7:20 pm	Life... How is it supposed to go on so normally, after something this tragic has happened? I don't understand. And no one around me seems to get it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 11th, 2008
3:57 pm	My ode to you I wrote this more for me than anyone. I could care less if you read it. Here are my memories of you. The first day my mom met you, and you talked about how dancing with Jessica Page gave you a boner. That is something my mom will never forget. "Am-balls" and "Cin-gay." And for some reason, I decided to give you a name too. I started calling you "J-orgasm" which you absolutely loved. You started talking about how you were going to tell girls to get prepared for the "J-orgasm." When we rented porn and watched it at your house. And you gave me the remote, so I decided to zoom in and make the cum shot go extra slow. You still owe Becky 40 bucks for not returning it. Lol. Our couples picture. Me, you, and Cindy. Convincing the entire school that we were dating, and then that we were brother and sister. That was awesome. The water war we all had at Miranda's sister's house. We took Becky's parent's van. Then we parked the van at my house and all played truth or dare, and everyone was convinced that you and I were hooking up in the backseat. The fact that you WOULDN'T flash us at the above mentioned memory, even though Russ did. I'm thankful for that :-) When you were a wrestler, and we went to Cindy's to hang out. You wouldn't eat her Asian frybread for fear of gaining weight. When you called me and told me you were going to Iraq. I told you I didn't want you to go, but you wanted to do something with your life. I told you to be safe. Talking to you on the phone or online for my first two years of college. The day you told me you were married and sent me photos of you and your wife. I was shocked that you had gotten married. You were always a playa playa after all. The fact that your myspace name was (and still is) "out like a boner in sweatpants." Watching you in Iraq on webcam, and the silly comments my mom would make. Going with you to pick out a tux for junior prom, and then buying your "cocks" hat. Then going to Betsy's house afterwards for a cast sewing party. The fact that you were a child in Medea. :-) And one of the knights in Once Upon a Mattress. It makes me happy when I think about how you did plays in high school. Five words - "I'm a grown ass man." Going to Saints North with your church, where you said the above phrase repeatedly. When you gave me a kiss on my cheek at graduation and told me you couldn't have made it without me. When you called me from Iraq and told me the effed up things you had seen, and that you were coming home. And that you had a daughter. I was so relieved and happy for you. When I got into contact with you again, and you told me I looked hot. And apologized for things that were unimportant and in the past. When we all hung out at Tasha's and you leant me a shirt, which I still have. I don't remember why you leant it to me, but you told me I could keep it. So I did. The time you called me and in the middle of our conversation told me about how you were talking to some girl who masturbated on the phone. Telling me about all your sexual exploits, and how good or bad they were. Hearing from you again after almost a year of silence. That felt so great. I screamed and cried a little bit from happiness. Then I called my mom and made sure to tell her you were okay. When you came on the bus and saw me, Patty, and Jon trying to play a prank on everyone. You completely ruined it for us, but that's okay. :-) When I called you and told you I was questioning my faith. You helped me quite a bit. There were also some not-so-good times too. Senior prom. I was so excited when you asked me, and then shit went down. The drugs. I was so worried about you. The fact that for a while, I didn't know whether you were telling me the truth or not. I'm sorry for that. Not hearing from you for months in Iraq. I never stopped worrying about you. I hope you know that. The good times outweighed the bad. I know there are tons more memories that don't immediately come to my brain when I think about you, but they're in there somewhere. I wish I would have given you my number when you were on facebook. I didn't expect you to delete it so quickly. I didn't notice when you deleted it, because I still had your old profile on my myspace and just assumed that you still had one. I went to give you my phone number a couple of days later on myspace, and it was gone. I was worried - I called Amanda and Cindy, and then I searched online for hours trying to find anything that mentioned you. I was relieved when Amanda told me that she had talked to you on the phone. I really do miss you. And I do love you. You've always been one of my best friends, and you've impacted me quite a bit. Thank you for everything. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 6th, 2008
12:21 pm	Reach out and touch faith It's been forever since I've updated on this thing. What's going on? Well, I've been horribly depressed for pretty much the last month or so. I finally am over it (Thank God). I can't wait to come home for the summer. I'm graduating in December, which will be amazing. I now make 14 dollars an hour at my job, and we are working it out so I can work for the company pretty much full time while I'm home over the summer. It'll be amazing. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past. I feel as though I don't know as much as four years of college would grant. Honestly, I've taken four classes where they've taught the evolutionary schema of humanity, and I really don't remember much of it. I can recite the basic outline and that's about it. I don't know why this is. I think my brain is just rejecting everything it doesn't need on a daily basis. This includes memories. I don't remember as many things as everyone else does. I honestly can recount very few memories from elementary school, junior high, and even high school. It amazes me when people can recount stories. Half the time I can remember the event, but I can't visualize it in my head. Other times I can remember bits and snippets, and it is very rarely that I can visualize the entire thing. I'm just worried that the truly important times in my life will be lost forever. Or that my memories will become products of what people tell me, and not necessarily of what I remember myself. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Holding on to Life - The Silos (Comment on this)
Monday, December 3rd, 2007
8:39 pm	I stole this from Amanda :-) [A is for age of first kiss:] 18 [B is for booze of choice:] SoCo!!!!!!! [C is for career:] Religion archaeologist or something to that effect [D is for your dad's name:] Les [E is for essential items to bring to a party:] Myself...duh... [F is for favorite song at the moment:] "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls and "Heads Carolina, Tails California" by Jo Dee Messina [G is for favorite game:] Phase 10! [H is for hometown:] East Side St. Paul, whoo whoo cuz [I is for instruments you play:] Violin-ish...I haven't played in years tho [J is for jam or jelly you like:] Strawberry Jelly!! mmmmm mmmm delicious [K is for kids?] Yuck. [L is for last kiss?] When Tony was here, back in September :-( Although I DID give one of my sisters a kiss on the cheek because some guy kept calling me a lesbian... [M is for mom's name:] Kathy [N is for name of your crush:] Ummm...Tony? [O is for overnight hospital stays:] I think when I was like four or something I stayed in the hospital. I really don't know though. I could be lying. [P is for phobias:] Rats. I went to a gathering the other day and this guy had a rat and I about shit myself. [Q is for a quote you like:] "Nutrition Facts: Serving size 8 fl oz (240 ml) Servings Per Container 2.5" -my Mountain Dew bottle. [R is for relationship that lasted the longest]: almost two years [S is for sexual preference:] males? [T is for time you wake up:] 8:20 MWF and any time between 7:30-11:30 Tuesday-Thursday [U is for underwear:] *looks* Pink with orange, yellow, and red stripes [V is for vegetable you love:] Corn and green beans. And mashed potatoes, but I don't know if that counts as a veggie. [W is for worst habit:] Biting my nails or being bitchy to people I don't know. [X is for x-rays you've had:] only the ones I've had for my teeth :-) [Y is for yummy food you make:] Cookies? [Z is for zodiac sign:] Leo biatches. Yay for being center of attention! Current Music: Everyone talking and watching my supier sweet sixteen (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
10:58 am	BTW I don't know how many of you know, but Victor died. He just could not handle the ride back from Minnesota, and his health was in constant decline. This happened about a month and a half ago, but a memorial service will be held this winter. Victor, you will be missed. (For all of you who don't know, Victor was my plant.) I don't even think I got a picture of him. Boo. (Comment on this)
10:25 am	I've got one hand in my pocket... I'm extremely satisfied with the way things are going. Well, I take that back. Maybe not extremely satisfied. But things are going fine, fine, fine this week. Yay for Thanksgiving break. I don't know if I wrote about it here, but I'm going to New Zealand from May 29th to about June 19th. I'm pretty excited about it, being that I've never been out of the country before, so yay! If I want to graduate next December through the honors program while taking the necessary credits for Berkeley, I have to take at least 24 credit hours next semester and in the fall. It's do-able. I was thinking of graduating Spring 09 and spending next fall on national exchange to U of M, because I could affiliate with Kappa there while being at home. I just don't want to set myself back a whole year though. I already am a semester behind and it sucks because I still have not taken a summer field school and definately will not do so before I graduate. Hopefully I can take one after I graduate right before I go to Berkeley *fingers crossed* It just bothers me because I'm done with my archaeology concentration and my theatre minor, so I technically could graduate this semester. It's my religious studies major, the honors program, and Latin that's holding me up. I don't know why the heck I thought adding another major two semesters before my expected graduation date was a good idea. My boss from over the summer emailed me and asked if I was interested in working as a temp for the state again over winter break. I gave her the dates that I'm going to be home. I'm not going to have much of a break again cuz I'll be working so much more for the firm and for the state, but money is money and it is greatly appreciated. I will get into Berkeley. It will happen. I just need to devote next semester in my copious amounts of free time to learning Latin and perfecting my French, and then I'm golden. I really have to stop procrastinating though. It's gotten so bad that I can only write a paragraph of a paper the night before it's due. I cannot work on a paper until a few hours before it's due, because I physically will not do it. That shit ain't gonna fly in Cali. BTW, whose coming with me? *looks at Nate* Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Radio - Alkaline Trio (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 11th, 2007
4:41 pm	That's Ms. Chanandler Bong... I worked out twice this weekend (yesterday and today). I'm so proud of myself. All I can think about is food. I just ate a lot of food, and I just want more. It's pretty much all I think about all the time. Pretty gross. Yesterday was date party. I took my friend Dre. It was tons of fun. We went bowling and had to be tied up to each other while doing so. :-) I'm going to be home on December 15th. I'm uber excited about taht!!! Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Friends playing in the background (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 9th, 2007
7:17 am	Early morning madness I have two five page scenes due in less than five hours. I've only written about a page on each. IT'S SUNDAY! Who makes assignments due at noon on Sunday? I. Hate. Men. Seriously. This guy I used to hang out with last semester went completely INSANE on me last night. I haven't spoken to the kid in months. I figured we were done associating with each other. Oh no. He texted me while I was at the football game: "Hey. How are you? What are you doing?" I responded that I was at the game and then he kept texting me. I got a little irked. Apparently he found out about Tony and asked me about it, so I told him. Then he said he wanted to call me and that he was sorry for being a dick to me and that he still wanted to date me. I told him that he couldn't, that I had a boyfriend and that we could be friends but he couldn't keep trying to make me get with him. Let's face it. I never really liked the kid, I never really expressed that sort of interest in the kid, and I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend or sleep with him. He responded to that by calling me a whore last semester, so I stopped talking to him. So last night after I told him that we could just be friends, he went insane. He told me that he was in love with me, and then said I would "regret this decision" and called me a bitch, stuck up, and said that I had issues. I was ignoring him for the most part, but he sort of scared me. I mean this kid knows where I live, what my car looks like, where I work, and where one of my good friends lives. I figure his intention was to scare me, but he knows people and I wouldn't be surprised if he tried something. I know everyone has crazy ex's, but still... I don't know. This may just be my minimal sleep talking, but I just hope I don't end up dead. Current Mood: scared (1 Comment |Comment on this)